On Being Curious: Seeing WHO Shows Up

Imagine you’re in a meeting. I know. I know. Meetings are terrible. Just hang with me for a minute. 

So you’re in this meeting. It’s not a Zoom meeting. You’re in real life. 

For the sake of this thought experiment, let's say you’re seated at a table in a familiar room. You’re coming together with colleagues or folks who do shared work for a volunteer group where you’ve devoted time for a few years. 

Got the picture? If you struggle, swap in a room from the most recent work-related tv show you’ve seen. It’ll do the job. 

Cool. Now let’s add to this image. 

In addition to you, there are a handful of people in the room. One is responsible for directing the flow of the meeting. Maybe that’s you. Maybe it’s not. Choose your own adventure. 

Now, let’s take a moment and look around the table. 

All of these people have some things in common. Like you, every single one of them feels both pain and sadness. Like you, every single one of them feels joy and excitement. And, each one of them is doing their best to get their needs met. 

How often have you seen those needs drive how the experience at that table unfolds? If we’re curious and attuned to the others in the room, we might be able to recognize the need with which each person is most identifying. 

When Space comes into the room, for example, he selects a chair by the door. It’s noticeably away from the cluster of people already gathered. He seems preoccupied with his phone. Two others might give one another a knowing look: “oh, that’s Space; he thinks he’s too good to join our conversation.”  What’s up with Space?  What is going on in his home life, his relationship to this workspace, and his role within the agenda that might make him need a bit of distance and separation in this moment?  That’s a question you can’t answer. Yet you still recognize him. Ah, that’s Space. 

You notice Humor has their phone out and is showing any and everyone who will look their way a video clip of a raccoon riding a tricycle. Space glares at Humor, resenting the relentless repetition of music and Humor’s lack of seriousness. He catches Mourning’s attention and they both roll their eyes. 

Mourning once loved Humor’s video contributions. Today she just doesn’t have the energy to even fake it. She’s carrying a heavy burden and has noticed she’s far more tired than she normally is. She reserves her energy, in part, to keep herself from breaking down and thus needing to share some part of her burden before she feels comfortable doing so. Can she trust these folks to sit with her in her pain? Is it even appropriate to ask of others in this context? She’s not sure. You’re not sure where mourning got her name, but you’ve known her sister Grief for some time. 

Mourning is just not sure this group is a safe space to let herself be seen.  And neither is Belonging. She’s a new addition to the group. Last time she joined the meeting late because she couldn’t find the room. Someone, you can’t remember who, said “so glad you could join us.” Belonging remembers exactly who said it and still isn’t sure whether that offering was sincere or sarcastic. She scans the room looking for opportunities to connect, but most everyone seems engaged in their own conversation already. 

She tries to take an opening when she makes eye contact with Space; as she opens her mouth, he puts his earbuds in. Belonging texts a friend and says, “I’m never going to fit in here.”

Appreciation sits down at the table across from Belonging. He’s spent the morning getting refreshments for the meeting. He’s walked around inviting everyone to grab a quick something to eat before the meeting begins. The food sits untouched and he knows he’s going to have to explain the “waste” to the financial team when he piles up the leftovers in the common room later. He wonders why he even bothers.

Hunger gnaws on their pen trying to muster the courage to step up to the table of bagels no one has touched. They know they should eat something but no one else is eating. They navigate a well-rehearsed song and dance about food and starvation. When Appreciation asks if they want a bagel they snap, “oh, who eats carbs these days?” 

The leader in the space invites everyone to take a moment to settle in. You look from person to person quietly.  Some let their eyes close or their gaze to soften. 

Just then, Ease bursts into the room. He’s been hurried all morning and is wearing an unseasonable sweater over his shirt because he just poured coffee down his shirt and just couldn’t stand to hear “you wear your breakfast well” from Humor the moment he walks into the room. He slams down his things and declares: “can we all just get started already?

Safety jumps. Ease looks at her as he settles in beside her and asks, “jeez, what’s up with you, Joy? You don’t look yourself!”

Who are you at that table?  By what name would you introduce yourself?  

How often, when we enter group settings, do we look around, seek connection and really ask, with open curiosity: who is coming to the table today? 

How might we better care for one another in our communities if we recognized the diverse, perhaps competing, needs within them?

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Cultivator